Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
