you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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