i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
