I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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