I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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