Moan for me like Helen Keller
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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