when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
