Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
