So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
