Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
