i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
