someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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