Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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