dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
