You're completely useless in the revolution.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
