did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
