my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
