Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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