I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
