We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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