I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
