i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
