i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
