pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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