Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I am full of burrito and curiosity
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
