I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
