I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Damn victory sex feels great
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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