I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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