I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
