Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Can Purell be used as lube?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
