I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
