apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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