so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
