My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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