Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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