Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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