my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
