Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
