He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
