Please, let me fuck your mom
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
