It's like God shit irony all over that family
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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