guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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