that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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