i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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