he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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