I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
a search helicopter?!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
