Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
