I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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