A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
