I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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