Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
